Yesterday was good. It feels nice to be able to type that. Now, I'm not talking gooooood, but it had glimpses, little rays of sunshine interspersed amongst all the sad, monotonous busywork I have to accomplish.
I ran again, around 3.5 miles again, no music, just me & God, talking. He understands that my anger's not directed at Him, and I'm trying my best to just lay everything at His feet and have the patience to wait for things to happen in His time frame. Those who know me know that I am not a patient person, by nature, so this is something that I am having to work on, big-time. Runners & bikers that met me on the trail may have wondered who the heck I was talking to. I find that it's easier to talk to God, at least for me, by actually verbalizing, although I'm also okay with praying just in my mind.
As I ran and talked, I had a calm come over me, starting at the top of my head, washing over my body, down to the soles of my new running shoes.
The only thing I can compare it to is Mark's hospital stay, where I felt so lifted up by prayers from everyone that I literally felt like I was being cushioned on the most comfortable thick down mattress ever created. Every inch of me was relaxed, and at the time, I took it as a sign that everything would be okay (in other words, Mark would get better & we'd come home and live happily ever after). Looking back, I think it was God showing me just how protected I could be and would be, no matter the outcome of that stay.
I ended my chat with God by confessing that I like being in the driver's seat (like He didn't know that already!). But in this situation, I have to turn the driving over to Him. I don't enjoy giving up the control, but it's what I have to do to heal. I did try to barter a little, since I am the GPS expert (next to Ben)...I always look ahead to see what the next few turns will be & how long it will take to get there.
God, could you just give me a little glimpse of Your plan, just to keep me positive?
But I don't imagine that will happen. There's a reason why we don't know what tomorrow will bring. If we did, we'd spend all of our time today either worrying about it, or being so preoccupied with whatever's coming that we would simply waste the precious time given to us today.
I choose not to waste the time God gives me today, tomorrow, or until I meet Him face to face. None of us should. Love your family. Support your friends. Get involved with a church, a charity, volunteer your time to an organization that needs you. Smile a little more. Gripe a little less. Enjoy the wonders of a sunrise or sunset. Hug the ones you live with, tell them how much they mean to you each & every day. For truly each day is a gift, and you never know when someone can be taken away. It can happen in a twinkling of an eye---whatever the circumstances, it helps to have no regrets.
I laughed, while at the circus last night. The boys laughed, too, and in those moments I heard the sounds of their father.
I cried later, as I prayed over their sleeping bodies, all sprawled out in my king-sized bed.
I rejoiced this morning, hearing them giggle as the new kitty awakened them.
I thanked God (and Mark) that I am able to stay at home and be there for them.
We're going to laugh, have fun, try new adventures, cry, get frustrated, be sad, be happy, and experience practically every emotion in our play book. And that's okay. We'll laugh when we get the opportunity, cry when we miss him, and pray for guidance and healing to continue no matter what we're feeling.
But I'm still holding out hope for a peek at God's GPS.