Well, it's here. The month I've been dreading. At the end of this month, I will have been a widow/single mom for an entire year. I'm not ready for it to be a year. I wanted more time to heal, to get my ducks in a row. I was hoping to have a chance to grow more spiritually by the time July 30th rolled around. It's only 4 short weeks away.
Communion at church today was hard, but good. Hard because I feel so close to Mark while I'm partaking of the bread and "wine", but good, too. Today, I swear I heard him saying, "Honey, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here!" as I was praying. Our two sons were acolytes, helping with the communion, so that was special as well. Let's just say 'the communion of saints' has taken on a whole new meaning for me since my saint is now in heaven.
Ben's doing better in the evenings at bedtime. After the second consecutive night of intense grief, crying, and being upset (he told me matter-of-factly that nighttime was just his time to grieve), I suggested he turn on his light and read the Bible I bought him as an end of school year gift. From my bed, I heard him switch on the lamp, and rustle pages as he settled into his top bunk to read. To my relief, the crying slowed down and I could tell he was being comforted by God and the words he was reading. I fell asleep while he was still reading. An hour or so later, I went to check on him. Lamp still on, and my 'baby' sound asleep on his back, cradling that Bible with open pages on his lap. I don't think I've ever seen such a precious sight.
It's his new nighttime routine, and I applaud it. In fact, I went to bed without reading my Bible last night & felt guilty....because both boys were in their respective bedrooms reading their Bibles. I couldn't thank God enough for that in my prayers last night. They are in such a good place right now, spiritually, even with the great loss in their lives.
And me? Well, I'm closer to God than I've ever been, too. It's sad to think that it took me losing my sweet husband to give all of my worries to God. I truly consider God my friend, as well as my Father. I tell Him everything. I'm leaving the details of my life in His capable hands, trusting that, when the time comes, I will have all that I need to make the right decisions.
That's what God wants from us all. We're just too busy in the hustle and bustle of life to slow down to listen. Once I slowed down, I heard Him loud and clear. And the windows started opening up for my family. Everything that I am and will be, I owe to Him.
I just pray for the patience and skill to make the best of what's coming my way, all the while giving God the glory...