Watched the sun rise this morning on a cool dew-covered Wichita Falls. Mark's favorite time of the year, as temps finally begin to turn more seasonable, the World Series is underway, and his birthday's right around the corner. I know that we need to commemorate Mark's day in some manner, just not sure the best way to do so. Trusting that God will help me out with this dilemma, He hasn't failed me yet.
Driving in the car the other day, our conversation turned to Daddy, as it often does. Andrew just quietly stated, "I wish he could've been around to see us grow up." That statement broke my heart. I didn't know how to reply, but the words came tumbling out...."You can bet he's gonna see you grow up, Andrew, he wouldn't miss it for the world. And even though you can't see him, you can feel him, because he's here." I think that satisfied them both and it comforted me, too. Because I believe with all my heart that he can see them, he can see me. Yet another reason to keep plugging along, trying to make him proud of us.
Family from Kentucky & Illinois should be arriving this afternoon. It will be good to have them here, but hard to greet them. This will be my aunt & uncle's first trip, I haven't seen them since last summer, during a trip we made as a family to St. Louis. That was yet another great family adventure, as Mark had a meeting that lent itself to a family vacation. We sat in the bleachers, melting in the hot June sun, watching the Cardinals play. Tomorrow night, Andrew & I will watch the Cards again, this time in Arlington TX in cooler temps, at the World Series. We'll leave our Cardinal gear at home, and will wear all Rangers attire.
Amazing how quickly life and circumstances can change. I see gray haired couples everywhere I go, shopping, enjoying life together. Part of me wants to scream, "It's not fair!" I never envisioned being alone, widowed at age 48. We were supposed to retire and grow old together. We had plans!
So what do I do? Well, I adapt. We're trying to come up with a new gameplan. Not sure how it will turn out, but I'm trusting God to help me work out the details. I don't want to get so bogged down in the mechanics of my grief and feeling sorry for myself that I miss the big picture. The big picture is that life goes on. My boys and I, while honoring Mark, are beginning to make new memories. They won't be better than the ones we made together as a family of four, but they will be sweet, nonetheless.
Deep down inside of me, I know I have the strength I need to get through this. But it ain't easy. And it's not a whole lot of fun. But it is what it is, and I will keep on walking.