Monday, October 24, 2011

I am enough.....

Reflecting on an awesome weekend, I stayed so busy I didn't even have time to blog :)  The World Series game on Saturday was the once-in-a-lifetime experience I had hoped for.  As we drove, getting closer and closer to Arlington, we got more and more excited.  I felt like someone should pinch me, because it was like a dream.  I won't lie, it was tough being there, knowing I was the permanent substitute for Mark.  Andrew was quiet and subdued for a time, right before the game.  He wanted to sit by me, even though our friends were along; as we stood for the national anthem, I glanced to my side, taking in that profile---blonde hair, blue eyes, holding his Rangers hat over his heart---and I was overcome with a mixture of pride, wonder, and sadness.  He is so much his father's son. 

Soon after Mark's death, I worried.  How could I be both father and mother to two young boys who literally worshipped the ground their daddy walked on?  What would I do whenever it came to the inevitable talks about girls, sex, relationships?  How would I handle the absence of all that male testosterone that was present when Mark was physically here?  He rolled, tumbled, rough housed with them.  He played all kinds of ball with them.  He took them fishing, he took them hunting. He was the ringleader of fun, the epitome of a big kid wrapped up in a 55 year old body. 

This overwhelming worry was the reason for alot of prayer early on.  And you know what?  I got the answer.....I am ENOUGH.  God told me that I am enough for our boys.   I will always be enough because I have God on my side.  Even though I'm not going to rough house with them, I can love them, I can be there for them, and I can handle the hard questions.  Taking Andrew to the World Series, I was enough.  He was so impressed that I could rattle off the Texas Rangers' starting lineup...not bad for a left-handed girl from Western Kentucky :)  It would've been nice if Mark had been there physically, but boy, was he ever there spiritually.  The sunset before the game was identical to the sunset he showed me in Kansas, the day before we returned to TX in August.  That photo is on the background page of this blog.  He was there.  We both know it.

God is enough for my family.  He has carried us, loved us, given us a great support system.  He is enough.  And even though there is a big void in our lives, a hole that will never be filled, His grace is sufficient.  We continue standing, functioning, and living life because He is enough.

 My devotional for the day recently put it all in perspective:  "The best response to losses or thwarted hopes is praise:  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.  Remember that all good things---your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time---are gifts from Me.  Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude.  Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand!"     (from "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young).

My family's going to hang on to that hand.  Because that hand will lead us into the bright future He has promised.  He continually reminds us, "I am enough."  And that, my friends, is good enough for me.

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Christmas, 2012

Christmas, 2012